Friday, February 1, 2013

What a freaking week

TGIF for sure...it has been the longest, weirdest week of my life.  I'm sitting on the couch tonight glad to be where I'm at...thinking that this crazy journey started about a week ago exactly -- a little longer than a week by a few hours.  I won't bore you with all the details but the gist is that I had emergency surgery last Saturday afternoon for an appendix that was badly infected.

It all started out mildly enough and built into pain I can only equate to labor pains...the added bonus of a fever was the part that brought my mind and likely body to a weaker state.  I'm glad to be past the surgery and past this long week.

This week my mind has returned over and over to the thoughts I was having while waiting for surgery...it was a long 10 hours wait.  I have a new appreciation to all people enduring sickness and illness.  It sucks.  Though the doctors and nurses informed me that my health crisis was nothing I could have prevented or avoided -- it just happens...In my head I disagreed.  More over...I realized I don't ever want to be in the position ever again.  Fine if I'm 95 years old...but not ever again.

As I laid there and occupied myself mostly with the thoughts swimming in my head...some of them I'm sure were half crazy with fever and morphine...I wanted to cry in thinking that I hadn't accomplished what I wanted to accomplish...my life has too many unanswered dreams and prayers.  My body is not healthy and I want health.

Literally I hated it so much that after surgery I did every little thing they told me to do as I knew that it would be possible for me to get the heck out of there sooner.  The good news is that I developed a bit of respect for my husband and his early dismissal from rehab.  At the time I was a little bit upset that he so cleverly got himself ejected from treatment...and left the responsibility in my hands...but I kind of sort of get it now...there is no rest in hospitals...just poking, prodding and delusional thoughts.

Once I got home I thought recovery would be fast...I was shocked I needed a 2nd day off work...and by day 3 I was ready to go back to work -- which was likely a mistake.  I have never been so tired after working 4 hours on Wednesday.  I've now heard of people that had to take off a week to two weeks...my 2 1/2 days off is probably self respectable for those that are a little bit self destructive as I tend to be.  None the less on the other side...as it is Friday night...it all looks better.

This week has taught me some things about myself...and they all entirely relate back to my never freaking ending weight loss struggle/journey/hell-hole that I walk within.  As much as I want to just pretend that all things are fine and dandy....I feel changed...I feel shaken.  I don't want to die an early death and I'm getting tired of half living my life.  With all that being said you'd think it would be simple to change my life and move the hell on....um mm no it's not so easy.  My bad habits or whatever you want to call them are down every corner...my fear of failure greets me at every door...and the same walls that confine me aren't changing on their own.

I honestly have no clue how to make the changes I know I need to make...I'm sort of just letting myself be uncomfortable for while.  Somehow I think that uncomfortableness will prompt change...I hope so.  But in the meantime I put together a list of the thoughts that seemed to make sense as revolutionary in my head....here you go.

1.  Food is my way to escape.  I probably use food for lots of things but I defianatly use it to go to my happy place.  I'm having a bad day...let me see...oh chocolate will help that....you want to feel like someone cares for you -- how about some hot soup.  I don't disagree that some of these thoughts are probably normal and not sick at all...but my relationship with food isn't normal.  The love/hate that I have with it -- it isn't normal.  The crazy ass part of it is that I never ever let myself give in to the escape all together...I never get to eat that whole bag of chips or the entire box of cookies...maybe if I did just let it go it would actually be better?

I've thought about this #1 point a lot.  Truth be told I think most people use something to escape...drinking, sex, drugs, etc...who decides what makes one healthy and one not healthy?  Don't worry I'm not looking for a specific answer...I just mean it's a hard call.  I don't know too many people without some kind of vice -- even if it is just that they take 3 Rx's from their doctor.

2.  I'm numb.  I don't know when it happened but my joy and my happiness is so far down on the list that I really do feel simply numb to it.  I can't even begin to tell you how this feels.  I've spent so much time making sure my kids are happy and even that my husband is happy...I am not even sure I know what I want to make me happy.  I'm not saying it's that anyone prevented me from it -- but I'm out of touch with what I even want.

3.  I'm scared if I jump off the high dive there isn't any water.  I really do entertain these crazy ideas of change.  I love reading blogs of people who sell all their possessions and live in an RV with their 12 kids and homeshcool those kids.  It sounds like heaven to me...I think about doing it and then I remember oh yeah we need money and health insurance...and then the stamp comes down...and that's your grown up adult responsibility.  End dream.

4.  There are people in my life don't want me to change.  I don't mean this to sound negative though I'm sure some will read it this way...and I certainly don't mean it to be overly extending.  What I mean is simply this -- for the people that I do and work for...they want to keep me doing exactly what I'm doing.  I don't even mean that specifically...I'm sure they'd all be thrilled if I was 100 lbs thinner and could keep on doing my work exactly as I do it now -- or heck even better right.  But the reality is this...the only one out for my best interest is probably me.  Every single other person has their own agenda...and they should.  I tend to think about the world and take everyone into consideration - maybe I should really only think about me.  It seems like a crazy thought to me...but I think it's something to think about.

Honestly I wish I could just package myself up in a box and ship myself somewhere and they could simply plug me into whatever the heck I need to make things better.  But I don't get it that easy...I have to somehow figure out how to change myself and keep on keeping on....it's daunting on this side.  I wonder what kind of change would need to be made for me to jump in without looking back...if I could have 4 months to simply change my life would that be enough?  6 months?  How much money is that?

Tonight I'm simply too exhausted to figure it out...but my mind continues to think about these thoughts...in the end the good news is that my life did sort of flash before me and I don't want to miss anymore...I don't want to be numb to my kids...I don't want to die young.  Putting that into action is another story but I'm hoping I get  there...one step at a time for now.

Thanks for reading and listening.  I'll keep you posted if I move to another step.  Change is really hard.

2 comments:

  1. I know life is hard now but, things are going to get better.

    ReplyDelete